8:00 PM, 30th March, 2001
This is, without a doubt, the worst movie of all time.
Now, half the people who read that are thinking 'it can't possibly be that bad'. Let me assure you that it is. The plot, as far as I could tell, is set in the far future. Earth has been conquered by a race of long-haired aliens who seem to spend an awful lot of time laughing maniacally. The story follows Jonnie Goodboy Tyler (Pepper) as he is captured by the aliens and then goes on to try to free Earth from the tyranny of the evil Psychlos. There is no way I can possibly communicate the awfulness of this film. Perhaps one example will suffice. At one point, a number of Harrier Jump Jets are discovered, abandoned for a thousand years or so. Not only are they fully operational, but a group of caveman savages are able to learn to fly the jets well enough in one week to beat the aliens. And as awful as the plot is, the acting is even worse. Go see this film, because it will make every other film you see this year that much better.
10:07 PM, 30th March, 2001
Aliens in pyjamas have tried eight times to conquer the Earth. Plan nine is to raise the dead, turning them into zombies, and have them kill the living. But there's trouble: there are only three actors available to play the zombies, and they have to take on the rest of us. Another actor is available only as stock footage, as he died early in production, and the only available stand-in, much taller, looks so different that he will have to hold his cape over his face through the entire movie. Every line is both banal and absurd; nobody is capable of running from the sloth-like zombies; the only available flying saucers wobble remarkably like miniatures, and don't fly without string; the director cannot make up his mind whether a scene is playing by day or by night; and none of the cast can act. This movie has often been voted the worst of all time. If that distinction is not enough, see it for its medicinal value: you'll laugh your guts out. Score out of five: minus five.